Reflection

I thought it was about time that I updated my disgrace of a blog as it's been a really long time and a lot has changed. Naturally, I'm struggling where to start as it's been five months since I've contributed to this that is supposed to be my writing practice for the future. I guess I'll start with the most immediate and most life-changing - I'm going to Leeds Trinity University this coming September to study English.

 Initially, I was very excited by the concept of the "best years of my life", but now I'm full of anxiety because of all the crap that comes with it such as crippling debt, confusing relationships, taking exams and generally being surrounded by people all of the time. I didn't realise until now how much people will actually be looking at me and interacting with me on a day-to-day basis, and frankly it's frightening considering I've spent the last two years living alone content in my own little bubble; eating my own weight in noodles, passing gas and talking to myself. Even relatively small issues like breaking in high heels and studying textbooks is proving an ordeal at the moment due to all this underlying anxiety. However, I suppose one could argue that everyone else going to uni will be going through the same typhoon of emotion I am.

In other news, I have come once more to a standstill regarding my parents. Every single day I struggle to understand how I possibly came from them as they are so acutely different from me. I'll start with dad. There was a less-than-brief period where I made truce with my father and we agreed to make every effort not to upset one another. I found this challenge relatively do-able because I now consider myself to be an adult that can process anything thrown at me with a sense of rationality. However, I failed to take into consideration how much of a sociopath my dad has become. His anger issues, both active and passive, have not subsided at all and are just as strong as what they were when I was a child. Regardless of the fact that I've come of age, I found his behaviour unacceptable and he simply could not tolerate me telling him so. He, after being rebuked by me for explaining that my mum would not be offended by a cat fact, said that he didn't want to speak to me any-more because I didn't treat him in a way that made him feel "special".

However, he did speak to me after he'd said that which brings me nicely onto the subject of my mum. I received a text from him recently asking if I wanted to know the official diagnosis of my mother's mental condition. I care for my mum far more than anyone else in the world so I could hardly say no, although I'm in two minds as to whether I should have because what he went onto text was not pleasant. My mum has Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia. I don't have to say anything about it, as just reading out the name is in itself distressing. It did explain to me why she does the things that she does but it is a really serious mental illness and to know that your best friend is bat-shit insane is a little overwhelming. Things are overall pretty good with my mum though and the only reason we fall out is due to her illness or my father. I hope things won't change between me and her, although the fact I'm going to university will mean I'll inevitably see her less.

I suppose the crux of the issue is that times are a'changing and this is something I have to eventually accept. I'm an adult about to do a very adult thing in going to university and studying at a degree level. I will truly be alone in my decision making, there will be no safety net if I fuck up. You'd have thought being independent from the age of 16 would make things easier, but I don't think so. In all the years I have been by myself, there has been a battle going on within myself - a journey of accepting not just the state of things but of its effect on me. It has involved completely rewiring my perspective, an isolating process which has made me emotionally numb and socially inept. Hopefully, these necessary qualities will come back to me whilst living in the bustling social environment that is university, but who knows? I could be fucked.