Christmas is always a reflective time for me as I largely spend in solitude, something for which I am actually grateful for. I have been thinking about who I am as a person and how much the past influences my actions and it concerns me how much I am dominated by events that I have not been able to let go. For the most part, I constantly blame my father for kicking me out at 16 and the way he treated me when things go wrong but when I think about it I have no right to do so. I spent most of the time at my parent's house in complete isolation anyway and felt greatly oppressed, all I wanted was to be free and lo and behold I am, yet I complain about it. The grass would indeed appear to be greener on the other side of the fence.
The majority of the time I am a strong, independent person and passionate and sociable around people but when it comes to relationships I become pathetic and apologetic and lose all sense of who I am as a person. I believe this is because of holding on to the failings of other relationships and I countlessly forget that I am in a relationship with a completely different individual and so it would be foolish to base the principles of present relationships with past ones. In October, I split from a guy who was moving on to university and had found it hard to handle me on top of all of his new responsibilities which I only now see in its true perspective. From then until now, I have pressurised mutual friends not to mention him in front of me and not invite me to events to which he will also be attending and I feel incredibly guilty for this. Had I of seen this from another perspective I would have found how pathetic it was to reprimand my friends for including someone else who is also their friend, who do I think I am? At what liberty am I to control who my friends talk to? I have let the whole situation get out of control and I could not be more sorry to those it affected.
So, what have I learnt? Well, the need to breathe more is imperative for starters because not thinking something through that could affect the future, especially concerning relationships and could land you getting really drunk and confessing your love to someone you barely know. Secondly, the past is in the past and dwelling in it will only dwindle your future - turn the page and move on with your life, you're missing it! Finally, you have to forgive, people may have hurt you but they are people too and so trying make their lives hell will not help either party. Resentment breeds resentment and nobody will get anywhere trying to kill ghosts and shoving skeletons into closets. You are fine, or you will be with a big deep breath and fire in your belly, good luck!