I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been overestimating my coping abilities. I have to mourn this past relationship and let it go, and I have to be patient with myself, even if no-one else will. It makes me really melancholy thinking about it all and going into specifics makes me sad. I’m going to have to take this whole thing one step at a time, focus on me, and my degree.
I find it annoying how much it’s taken its toll on me, physically, emotionally and mentally, and how long my heart is taking to heal. I wouldn’t consider it remotely healed at the moment. I need time to forgive not just him, but myself for my past. I don’t want to drag anyone into this mess until I’m in a place where I’m confident enough to take on such feelings again. I honestly don’t want to be in a relationship, or anything else for the foreseeable future, I’m just not ready.
Regardless of the pressure put on me by friends, family or just society really, I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t need anyone else to feel complete or happy. A partner should enhance and benefit the other’s life, not lessen or tarnish it. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night desperate for intimacy I have to remember the consequences of my actions. I have to remember that this past relationship has damaged my mental health, for which I’m now taking medication, and I have to focus on getting better.
I will get through this, and it may take a really long time but I will. As long as I allow it, things can get a lot better for me. I just have to concentrate on what I want and that is health, friends, family and education - elements which completely embody the love I need.
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