Ponderings of a Madwoman

The thing I don’t get about treating mental illness through therapy and counselling is this idea that the ill can talk about how they feel. But you see, the thing that makes us ill, is that we don’t know what’s wrong and so we don’t know how to deal with it. I could make up a million different reasons as to why I am the way I am but it wouldn't change a single thing and would make things worse. I don’t know how I feel or what’s going on in my head. I can be logical or emotional, but these are both controlled and carefully engineered responses I've constructed as a defence mechanism from years of hardship.

I don’t know how we as humans deal with it. This idea of society and culture is all bollocks. In reality we are all savages. Anyone will push another’s head underwater if it means they get to keep theirs above surface. I feel like I cannot trust anyone, because they all leave in the end, leaving behind irreparable scars that I carry with me. If my metaphorical heart were visible to others, they could see how mine struggles to beat under all the pressure. 

Talking about myself in this way only comes about very rarely when I'm in a state of perpetual calm and silence. I relish in these moments when I can speak openly about my noggin. I cannot get to the bottom of this depression, there are too many people to blame. Perhaps the blame is my own for allowing their actions to get to me. Maybe everyone goes through this, some are just better at suppressing it than others. All I can say is that when the depression surfaces as it did today, it feels horrible. Like I'm in a soundproof bubble where no-one can hear or see me clearly and I could scream but it wouldn't make an inch of difference.

I could go on and on about this for ages but the bottom line is that it isn't going to make any difference. I've got to learn to live with myself, let the past be the past and embrace the present. The funny thing about time is that it really isn't appreciated until it’s gone and you’re left pining for it in reflection, forcing every single one of us to dwell in the past, wasting our lives away. 

Update

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been overestimating my coping abilities. I have to mourn this past relationship and let it go, and I have to be patient with myself, even if no-one else will. It makes me really melancholy thinking about it all and going into specifics makes me sad. I’m going to have to take this whole thing one step at a time, focus on me, and my degree.

I find it annoying how much it’s taken its toll on me, physically, emotionally and mentally, and how long my heart is taking to heal. I wouldn’t consider it remotely healed at the moment. I need time to forgive not just him, but myself for my past. I don’t want to drag anyone into this mess until I’m in a place where I’m confident enough to take on such feelings again. I honestly don’t want to be in a relationship, or anything else for the foreseeable future, I’m just not ready.

Regardless of the pressure put on me by friends, family or just society really, I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t need anyone else to feel complete or happy. A partner should enhance and benefit the other’s life, not lessen or tarnish it. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night desperate for intimacy I have to remember the consequences of my actions. I have to remember that this past relationship has damaged my mental health, for which I’m now taking medication, and I have to focus on getting better.

I will get through this, and it may take a really long time but I will. As long as I allow it, things can get a lot better for me. I just have to concentrate on what I want and that is health, friends, family and education - elements which completely embody the love I need.

This has been a post

Love at Christmas

    Love is a subject that has been driving me absolutely mental for the past few days, weeks, months as I try to understand the motions I've been going through. Wikipedia says 'Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.' This makes a lot of sense because it explains why we have friendships, courtships, bonds between parent and child. Although, from what I've learnt of evolution, this sensation existed as a defence mechanism to nurture the young and encourage teamwork against a common enemy, i.e. lion.

   However, Wikipedia also says that 'Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.' It is this that I'm having trouble coming to terms with - I would argue that any and all 'selfless' are in themselves 'selfish' because regardless of point of view, it'll benefit you in some way; be it physically, emotionally or morally. I feel bad talking of such a sacred emotion in such a clinical way but it makes me feel better as to why people are so consistently inconsiderate and thoughtless.

   When I was a little girl, I looked to my parents as what love meant, and I liked what I saw. They spoke warmly of each other, made each other laugh, they went out of their way for each other regularly and, well, they just had each other's back. Now, I'm not saying their relationship is perfect because I feel there have been a lot of compromises made and refined over the years to make it function, but it works, and they make each other happy. I want that so badly, to not feel constantly let down and hurt, for a person to show me how they feel in their actions, and not just in their words, maybe I'm just being impatient. The whole topic has got me confused - in my relationship, I've got Wiki's first definition down, but not the latter. There could potentially be hundreds of reasons for this; gender differences, social backgrounds, political standing, interests, that kind of thing. On the other hand, I've always been under the impression that this latter definition of what love was, was universal. It's not enough to say I love you, you have to mean it, and more than that, show it.

   I'm spending the majority of the Christmas holidays alone as a result of how love can go wrong within the family. The problem with this time of year is that everyone is doing the same thing, in returning to their resident tribes and indulging in practices known collectively to them. I've had several warm invitations from friends to spend Christmas with theirs but I know that this would serve no great purpose, except maybe make the family feel awkward, and me feel worse for not having what they do. I guess you could say that this blog post is a rant about how much I feel ripped of by the institution of love in all senses of the word, and how much this is emphasised at Christmas. It's an awful thing to say, but I'm truly losing faith in people's faith in me - I have lost countless friends simply due to them feeling uncomfortable with my complicated circumstances, and I really don't feel that this is my fault. Just truly abysmally bad luck.

   There's a voice in my head, and I'm sure many reading will be thinking the same kind of thing, 'get your head out your arse', 'get over yourself', 'get on with it', 'think of something other than yourself'. I know, I hear you and you'll have to bear with me. I've been doing this whole 'let's get optimistic and do stuff for people' thing since I was 16, and I have to say, even though i'm only 19, it's exhausting. Little rewards are being reaped for my efforts, largely due to circumstances out of my control i.e. moving home. I need shelter, I need family, I need friendship, but more than anything, I need love.

Short Crime Story

It was around 08:30 when an unsuspecting postman arrived at the door of 32, Owlett Grange to deliver the mail for the day. He had on his person two utility bills, a greetings card and a letter from Royal Mail demanding £1.78 in unpaid delivery costs. He realised that something was wrong as soon as he knocked on the door because at his touch, the door flung wide. He had the mocksy to let himself in, in search of this irresponsible home-owner.  “Hullo?” the man whimpered cautiously. All of a sudden, men in plastic blue overalls swarmed through the hall, carrying fragile-looking equipment, every inch of them covered in this sterile material aside from their tired but focused eyes. The Bobbies on the case were Detective Chief Inspector Range and his grasshopper, Detective Inspector Wendall. They soon identified the postman and immediately interrogated him for his presence on a crime scene on this crisp autumn evening. “I just came to deliver Mrs Cookridge’s mail I swear” the man pleaded, “Maybe I shouldn’t have just walked in but there was no foul play here from me, honestly!”

The Officers took his word for it and Wendall escorted the shaken postman round the back of the house, where the scale of the situation really came into perspective. Clinical gazebos, at least four or five, were set up on Mrs Cookridge’s land, and it was positively crawling with pathologists, forensic psychologists, police officers, crime scene investigators – the works. “So what happens now?” enquired the now very worried-looking postman. “Well Mr-?” Began DI Wendall. “Fellman” replied the man. “Okay Mr Fellman, we’re just going to collect a statement from you about all you know about Mrs Cookridge and what you saw here today. From that we can begin to piece together what’s happened here.” “What has happened here?” Enquired Mr Fellman curiously, raising an eyebrow as he once again took in his surroundings. “We don’t really know ourselves to be honest. Mrs Cookridge is dead and it’s a pretty damn nasty business.” The colour from Mr Fellman’s face drained as he realised what had happened.

Dissociation

Today has been a weird one. I don't know how to accurately write this down but I feel like I'm losing touch of reality a little bit. I went to bed as a result of fighting with my boyfriend and all of a sudden there came this sensation of detachment from my body and from the room as if they weren't mine. I feel really numb, as if I'm  all mind, emotion and reaction.

The last thing I want to do at this point is raise alarm as I think that would just alienate me further and make me feel further detached from what I classify as reality. Every action, every word that comes out of my mouth is the very epitome of insincerity. 

Alas, I am at a loss as to what it is I should do except following the classic "fake it till you make it" philosophy. Look after my basic bodily functions and hopefully the rest of me will follow. Maybe I just have cabin fever...

Reflection

I thought it was about time that I updated my disgrace of a blog as it's been a really long time and a lot has changed. Naturally, I'm struggling where to start as it's been five months since I've contributed to this that is supposed to be my writing practice for the future. I guess I'll start with the most immediate and most life-changing - I'm going to Leeds Trinity University this coming September to study English.

 Initially, I was very excited by the concept of the "best years of my life", but now I'm full of anxiety because of all the crap that comes with it such as crippling debt, confusing relationships, taking exams and generally being surrounded by people all of the time. I didn't realise until now how much people will actually be looking at me and interacting with me on a day-to-day basis, and frankly it's frightening considering I've spent the last two years living alone content in my own little bubble; eating my own weight in noodles, passing gas and talking to myself. Even relatively small issues like breaking in high heels and studying textbooks is proving an ordeal at the moment due to all this underlying anxiety. However, I suppose one could argue that everyone else going to uni will be going through the same typhoon of emotion I am.

In other news, I have come once more to a standstill regarding my parents. Every single day I struggle to understand how I possibly came from them as they are so acutely different from me. I'll start with dad. There was a less-than-brief period where I made truce with my father and we agreed to make every effort not to upset one another. I found this challenge relatively do-able because I now consider myself to be an adult that can process anything thrown at me with a sense of rationality. However, I failed to take into consideration how much of a sociopath my dad has become. His anger issues, both active and passive, have not subsided at all and are just as strong as what they were when I was a child. Regardless of the fact that I've come of age, I found his behaviour unacceptable and he simply could not tolerate me telling him so. He, after being rebuked by me for explaining that my mum would not be offended by a cat fact, said that he didn't want to speak to me any-more because I didn't treat him in a way that made him feel "special".

However, he did speak to me after he'd said that which brings me nicely onto the subject of my mum. I received a text from him recently asking if I wanted to know the official diagnosis of my mother's mental condition. I care for my mum far more than anyone else in the world so I could hardly say no, although I'm in two minds as to whether I should have because what he went onto text was not pleasant. My mum has Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia. I don't have to say anything about it, as just reading out the name is in itself distressing. It did explain to me why she does the things that she does but it is a really serious mental illness and to know that your best friend is bat-shit insane is a little overwhelming. Things are overall pretty good with my mum though and the only reason we fall out is due to her illness or my father. I hope things won't change between me and her, although the fact I'm going to university will mean I'll inevitably see her less.

I suppose the crux of the issue is that times are a'changing and this is something I have to eventually accept. I'm an adult about to do a very adult thing in going to university and studying at a degree level. I will truly be alone in my decision making, there will be no safety net if I fuck up. You'd have thought being independent from the age of 16 would make things easier, but I don't think so. In all the years I have been by myself, there has been a battle going on within myself - a journey of accepting not just the state of things but of its effect on me. It has involved completely rewiring my perspective, an isolating process which has made me emotionally numb and socially inept. Hopefully, these necessary qualities will come back to me whilst living in the bustling social environment that is university, but who knows? I could be fucked.

Friendship Fundamentals

So far this week I've been feeling highly sorry for myself as I have managed to catch the Flu and so this entry was written partially out of boredom and partially out of attention seeking. This respite from my normally busy busy life has made me think about the relationships I have with people and the essential ingredients needed to make them thrive. One thing I can tell you for sure is that visiting your friend whilst they are unwell is definite brownie points, so thank-you Navid! Anywho, I want to highlight the factors I think are important when it comes to both friendships and relationships.

1. Love Your Neighbour - Even if you're not a Christian, treating someone the way you'd like to be treated is crucial for maintaining equality in any relationship. Therefore, if you're going to act completely irrational around your friends for no explicit reason, you really shouldn't be surprised if you wake up one day and realise that you don't have any friends. If you want to be regularly texted by your nearest and dearest, make sure you text them just as often to find out how they are doing. If you're sitting on your own feeling bitter that you haven't been invited out by your friends, give them a call and find out if they're free to do anything! You get out what you put in so if you're going to be lazy with your "friend's" feelings, don't expect them to give you any special treatment.

2. You've Got To Show Me Love - It's not always enough to just hang out with the people you care about because as human beings we're all a little bit insecure. A little reassurance and reinforcement goes a long way in relationships and will build a strong emotional foundation between both parties. Obviously, there is a time and place for everything and so confessing your affections for your friend out loud to them during the pub quiz is probably not going to go down very well. If you feel your friend could do with some reassurance and reinforcement but are not the type to express yourself, there are other means of letting them know how much them mean which brings me on to my next point.

3. Surprise! - Everybody loves a pleasant surprise, everyone. If you're sitting at your computer, shaking your head, you're just being coy because the idea of somebody thinking of you and going out of their way to get you something that they know you like is enough to bring a smile to anyone's face. Now I know that there's nothing worse than introducing materialism into a friendship, where one person buys another person a gift and then they are then expectant they will receive something in return. This is not what I'm getting at, more the idea of being thoughtful towards your friend and it shows that you've been paying attention to them. I don't know about you but I love it when my friends just listen to what I have to say and nod and smile even if I'm talking nonsense. That in itself is enough, further demonstration of this thoughtfulness would be putting what you've heard into practice!

So there you have it, the three key principles that I believe are the bread and butter of any decent friendship. Of course, I've probably missed out a few key points and I might have worded things a little oddly but I can get away with it as I'm writing this entry from my sickbed. Nevertheless, I hope you can relate to what I'm saying here and even better demonstrate it towards people that you love because I don't think appreciation towards one another is promoted enough.

I dedicate this entry to my nearest and dearest including the Gtown Crew (you know who y'all are, I'd be here for a while typing all your names out :P), Tom, Josh, Nan, Granddad, Mum and Dad!