Butterflies

Catch up blog entry

2012-03-03T10:57:00.002-08:00

I best let you all know what I've been up to over the past few weeks as I've neglected blog for quite a while now. I've very much been focused on investing in my future and so have had my head buried in the books (or internet tabs) doing coursework and looking into work placements. Talking of which, I have spent the last week at Bradford's local newspaper, the Telegraph and Argus - granted my role there was largely administrative but it helped me to appreciate newspapers on a wider scale. I had a brief meeting with the sub-editor who explained to me the difficulty of getting into such an industry and that the choice to be a writer should be fully vocational and not a way to make money. I was quite aware of this fact however and plan to make money as an author, not as a columnist.

Something I would like to raise though, is the limitations of certain careers - I don't understand whether people willingly get into these situations of not. For example, for the majority of the week, I was working with the advertising department of the T&A which sells ad space to various companies. The people that work there are for the most-part in dead end jobs, I know because there are people there that have been doing telesales for the past 20 years. At first I admired the fact that they had such drive to achieve their targets and did this every single day from 9AM to 5:30PM but then I started to question the mentality of these people. Do they not realise that they are in jobs that will bring in very little money and satisfaction for a long period of time? Didn't they ever once dream of being astronauts or teachers or archaeologists?

It has made me seriously think about my future job prospects and my aspirations of being a writer. My inspiration is none other than J.K. Rowling as she created an alternate reality and has made absolute millions from it. I want to be like that one day and for now that is all I know. I've never put any serious effort into writing fiction as I do admit I have a lack of confidence in my own ability but it is still a feasible option. I can definitely write items of interest because my teachers enjoy reading my essays and you guys like reading my blog as far as I know. It's just a matter of putting the skills and the dream together with the glue that is hard work. For me, this involves, three years of an English degree for which I am aiming for nothing less than a 1st and then a further pre-entry journalism qualification approved by the National Council of Journalists; I'll probably have to throw in a bit of work experience into the mix as well.

I'm not 100% what you wonderful readers will take from this entry other than the fact that unless your dreams are completely ridiculous (like my avid desire to be a cat), then they should not be put aside. Of course, in accordance with the bitch that life is, it isn't going to come for free and in fact, it's going to take a lot of effort on your part, and no doubt lots of tears as well. You'll get there though!

Happiness

2012-01-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

Apologies for not writing last week as I was in York, visiting a friend who attends university there, and I'd of thought it a bit anti-social to blog in his company. Additionally, I have found myself to be in a really happy place and such an emotion can be a real inspiration killer. I could do a book review and in fact I would like to talk about H.G. Wells' War Of The Worlds at some point but in order to do it justice, I will have to have another good look...so I'll get back to you on that. In the mean time, I guess I could talk to you about happiness, what it is and where you have to go to find it? Of course, this is my personal opinion and you can take as much away from it as you want.

I found that part of becoming as happy as I am now is a result of both active decisions to make changes in my life and fortunate circumstances. For example, I changed my diet to vegan and it's become a bit of a hobby of mine so I thoroughly enjoy it, I try to exercise around 5 times a week to boost my self esteem and I let my hair loose now and then and have a really good time. Making up with my dad and catching up with old friends that I'm not bound to was also a massive boost and I really cherish these rejuvenated friendships that I have. Having a good outlook about the future and having some idea as to what you're doing with your life helps to put things into perspective, especially for me, therefore by having small goals and then a larger overall goal you have a much better idea of who you are.

Moreover, knowing who you are in general is a big factor in achieving a happy state of mind and not caring what people think about you. I quite happily potter about my house talking to myself and then laughing out loud because of the fact I'm talking to myself. It's about being happy in your own skin and forgiving yourself for things that have happened in the past. Nothing can be done to change the past whatsoever and coincides with one of my favourite ever sayings, "There is no point crying over spilt milk". Also, the past does not define you as a person and the great thing about loving yourself is that you really can be whoever you want to be. For example, I could quite easily leave the house tomorrow with a duvet round my shoulders and pretend I was a marshmallow - I may get a few looks but I'd hardly care having the persona of a piece of confectionery.

Finally, I'd say a big contributor to that big-ass smile on my face to living and let live. Forgiving people for the mistakes they have made in the past has had a massive affect on my perspective on human beings in general and understanding the term "we are only human". Cady Harron made a good point when she said that bitching about somebody is not going to change a thing, if anything it will only make things worse. People are just people like you and I, feelings, families, aspirations, the lot and so you have to respect people for their choices and just let them get on with it really. So there you have it, my happiness hypothesis and I sincerely hope that you all find paths to enlightenment and happiness; sorry for the cheese but it had to be said.

Building Bridges

2012-01-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

It is a well-known fact that human beings are social creatures and rely on relationships for reassurance and motivation in most aspects within their lives. The foremost relationships being that within the family and it is that which I wish to focus on now. So much emphasis is put on the family and I'm not sure whether this is a rose-tinted idealistic view promoted by through media such as film and television and marketing, or if indeed the institution of the family exists and more importantly works. I have studied sociology and learnt in that time all about various family structures and the conflicts that occur within the family, that are often ignored by society. I do not understand nor do I think I'll ever understand why this "blood thicker than water" concept carries so much emphasis simply because so many people become unhappy as a result of family life.

So what does one do when in a dysfunctional family but with traditional family ideals being forced down our throats? YOU IGNORE IT! The thing about families is that they consist of people that just happen to be individuals meaning that they are all different so it is impossible to stereotype a family. There is not one group of biologically linked people that are in any way similar to another. For example, my family consists of a dominant father figure with an anger problem, an enabling mother with various mental illnesses and a 15 year old boy (nothing more needs to be said there) and yet today peace between me and them was achieved. Throughout my teenage years, I exhausted myself trying to nag, bully, beg and scream my family into a "nuclear" structure to no avail and ultimately got me kicked out. It has taken this long to realise that angry dad, mental mum and bastard brother are all individuals who are who they are and trying to forcibly change them into something they were not did far more bad than good.

To those that have no family, however, it is important to understand that the ideological family need not be neither nuclear nor biological. Your mother may be a woman who you've always respected and honoured and has always provided a welcome ear and your father could be anyone who is not afraid to tell you how it is. Of course, in a way, I myself am stereotyping the roles of the family and in fact the only thing that truly separates mothers and fathers are their genders. The point I simply wish to make is that home is where the heart is and though it may not necessarily be in just one place it would be wise to cherish it.

We may not need family in our lives and can cope just fine without them but it's an irresistible feeling to be wanted by a bunch of people that love you. I've found that so long as you have that emotional base you can turn to when you're losing sight of it all, internal conflict ceases and peace takes its place, which is not something to shake a stick at!

"New Year, New Me" and the like...

2012-01-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the delay, I have been rather wrapped up in various activities that are typical with the new year: coursework rush, domestic chuck outs and the good ol' January burn.

So since the new year came in there have been highly contrasting opinions on starting afresh on new year; some saying that every day is a new day and so to wait till New Year is not particularly noble and other firmly believing that a new year means a new start and they have the perfect excuse to re-invent themselves. I sympathise with both sides in that yes, life is short, so there is no point waiting around for a day that happens once a year to make important changes in your life. However, as a girl who went through a lot of unpleasant experiences in the previous year relish in the concept of turning the page of 2011 and walking into 2012 brand new, with the slate wiped clean and with the rest of the year to look forward to in this fresh light.

I'd say, without wanting to sound cliche, let it be. There is around 7 billion people on this planet and each of us will have our own particular way of doing things, of course, because that particularity is what makes us individuals. People may or may not want to make changes in their life but when they do them is completely up to them - you've no idea what they may or may not have gone through the previous year and so it would not be fair to judge.

2012, for me, will be an extremely exciting but also nerve-racking year. I have to get decent enough grades at college to take me to university, to finally come full circle. Finally, after going through the process of being made homeless at 16, to hostel life, to living in a highly turbulent domestic atmosphere, to living in a house that would eventually become a home. Unfortunately, my housing contract runs out this year, meaning that I will lose the place which I have come to love so dearly this past year and I'm sure that people that have been here would agree with me. Also, I've decided to address my ignorance towards my mother's mental illness so I want to spend this year coming to terms with it, and accepting my mum for who she it. Not only that, but I also plan to make peace with my past and learn to love the fact that present me would not be here without the past me and all her experiences. I wish to reflect more through the means of yoga and meditation and also to read more classic and contemporary literature in order to centre myself with my aspirations of being a writer.

Like many, at this time of year, I have introduced a new fitness regime and have altered my diet. However, I plan for this to be a long-term thing because I no longer see the point in envying women with fantastic bodies when I myself could be one of those women. I've decided to adopt a daily workout routine and non-fussy vegan diet, meaning that I'm primarily vegan but will not reject food offered to me by others simply because it has meat or dairy in.If you've ever seen JennaMarbles on Youtube and her fantastic body, you'll know why I've made the decisions I have. That is things as they stand at the moment and the advice I'd give to anyone wishing to make some changes this year, I'd say never give up, stick with it, in the end you can only look back in pride in all that you've achieved and will make you even more determined in all that you do.

Animal Farm - A Book Review

2011-12-30T16:44:00.000-08:00

Before I start I would just like to point out that this is my first “book review” or sorts and so bare with me and any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. So Animal Farm by George Orwell was published in 1945 and written to reflect the events of the Russian communist Joseph Stalin and his time in office. Orwell, who was a firm believer in democracy, heavily criticised Stalinism and the “anti-revolutionary” approach affects he imposed on Russian society. Orwell’s opposition to communism is very apparent in Animal Farm and has shook me thoroughly to the core.

It has taken me just under a year to complete the book because every time I picked it up and attempted to progress through it, I felt disheartened by the book’s dark themes and it has only been through the determination to finish it that I actually have. From the very beginning, a dark scene is set where the animals at Manor Farm were oppressed and cruelly treated by a drunk and unjust farmer by the name of Jones. From the very offset a feeling of great resentment is present and it is the so-called “wisdom” of an ancient pig prophesying a world ruled by animals that causes the resentment to be put into action.

At the death of The Major, the name the pig went by, fellow pigs decided that it was time to take draw up a set of commandments by which to abide by in a new spirit of “Animalism”. However, as the pigs naturally took leadership as a result of a higher intelligence than the other animals and began to embrace this new unfounded power, one by one the commandments were twisted. This occurred to the point that the way in which the rest of the animals were “led” by the pigs became indistinguishable from the way in which they were cruelly treated back in the days of farmer Jones and his men.

It seems to me that the main setback of Animal Farm as it came to be called was a lack of democracy. The other animals failed to complain or argue with the pigs due to their lack of intelligence and the later threat of being executed through clever manipulation by the pigs from which they had adopted from their once human nemeses. I found the description of the way in which the convicted animals were executed to be very graphic and cruel - having their throats ripped out by pig-trained dogs and torn limb from limb. There was very little solace for the dead because the “lesser” animals were led to believe they were traitors of the Animal Republic.

I know very little about Stalinism in itself but if it was anything like the events described in Animal Farm, I shudder at the thought and am very grateful to be living in a democratic, if not slightly too right-wing for my tastes, society. I mourn for both the victims and the animal characters of the book that suffered under a prosthetic government that tricked good people into thinking that they were being led to progress but were instead being led to their deaths.

The Ghost of Relationship's Past

2011-12-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas is always a reflective time for me as I largely spend in solitude, something for which I am actually grateful for. I have been thinking about who I am as a person and how much the past influences my actions and it concerns me how much I am dominated by events that I have not been able to let go. For the most part, I constantly blame my father for kicking me out at 16 and the way he treated me when things go wrong but when I think about it I have no right to do so. I spent most of the time at my parent's house in complete isolation anyway and felt greatly oppressed, all I wanted was to be free and lo and behold I am, yet I complain about it. The grass would indeed appear to be greener on the other side of the fence.

The majority of the time I am a strong, independent person and passionate and sociable around people but when it comes to relationships I become pathetic and apologetic and lose all sense of who I am as a person. I believe this is because of holding on to the failings of other relationships and I countlessly forget that I am in a relationship with a completely different individual and so it would be foolish to base the principles of present relationships with past ones. In October, I split from a guy who was moving on to university and had found it hard to handle me on top of all of his new responsibilities which I only now see in its true perspective. From then until now, I have pressurised mutual friends not to mention him in front of me and not invite me to events to which he will also be attending and I feel incredibly guilty for this. Had I of seen this from another perspective I would have found how pathetic it was to reprimand my friends for including someone else who is also their friend, who do I think I am? At what liberty am I to control who my friends talk to? I have let the whole situation get out of control and I could not be more sorry to those it affected.

So, what have I learnt? Well, the need to breathe more is imperative for starters because not thinking something through that could affect the future, especially concerning relationships and could land you getting really drunk and confessing your love to someone you barely know. Secondly, the past is in the past and dwelling in it will only dwindle your future - turn the page and move on with your life, you're missing it! Finally, you have to forgive, people may have hurt you but they are people too and so trying make their lives hell will not help either party. Resentment breeds resentment and nobody will get anywhere trying to kill ghosts and shoving skeletons into closets. You are fine, or you will be with a big deep breath and fire in your belly, good luck!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-18T10:24:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow bloggers and readers!

I sincerely apologise for my lack of content recently as I have been snowed under with college coursework and have plenty of work to be getting on with over Christmas. Most of my focus however, will lie in my report on the British Film Industry and I have all the material I need for it now so it's just a matter of cracking on. Other college-related things to be getting on with include a radio drama script about a girl who has just lost her parents, I have to write up a "careers guide" on the radio and print industry and a few pre-production elements to work on for factual programme production and project management.

Outside of college, I continue to go to BCB Radio on fridays to broadcast the feel-good factor at 1pm, work on my solo show on space and general intern bits and bobs. In terms of reading, I have now completely finished the Harry Potter series and was moved beyond belief, J.K. Rowling is who I aspire to be! Although, as a result of reading the books I cannot watch a single Harry Potter film without grimacing due to the sheer lack of detail featured in the books, however I cannot blame them for not being able to match the impeccable quality of J.K. Rowling's imagination.

I am currently working through Beginning theory by Peter Barry and I have learnt such an awful lot from him, I can't decide which kind of literary criticism I like the best although the concept of post-structuralism very eye-opening as I have always been pretty content going about my life with my own personal perspective of reality. Other reading I have done recently was The Crucible by Arthur Miller and despite already reading it in Secondary school, was pleasantly surprised with its political and religious references which I hadn't previously appreciated. I am now re-reading Animal Farm by George Orwell which I imagine I will get through quite quickly when I have a spare moment but I find it very hard to get through on a day-to-day basis due to its mercilessly bleak outlook on life and the human race. Once I have read both Beginning Theory and Animal Farm I will then go on to re-read To Kill a Mockingbird and Edgar Allan Poe's works - I feel that I need to refresh my memory on these classics that I loved so much at one point or another. Before I start uni, I would like to get through all the books in my house that I haven't yet finished including The Time Travellers Wife, Pride and Prejudice, War of the Worlds and The Hobbit. I know for a fact that my mum's got me 1001 books to read before you die so after all said books are read, that is the challenge I will uphold.

In my next entry, I will formally discuss the New Year and the resolutions that come with it but for now I just wanted to keep you all updated with what I've been doing until something more interesting happens. From now until the 31st I just plan to get my work done so I doubt I will be able to appreciate much in the way of media, but if there are any good Christmas films on I might sneak a cheeky film review in. In the mean time I wish you all a very happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Quansa and a happy new year!

I do believe in Harry Potter, I do, I do!

2011-11-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

First of all, apologies for not writing in so long, I have been snowed under masses of homework and various bit and bobs for college and then there's my place at BCB Radio which takes up a lot of brain space. Also, as I don't have a computer at home, I can only really get everything I need to do from Monday to Friday which is a near impossible task and I nearly always stay till closing time. Anyway, today I'm going to write about my first love and I made a promise on my UCAS application that I would begin to talk about books that I've read and films that I've watched so here goes!

I don't care what anybody says about the Harry Potter franchise, there is definitely something magic about it. J.K. Rowling is of complete literary genius and she has affected my life in a really big way. I've just about got three-quarters of the way through Order of the Phoenix after reading the previous four books and I am totally smitten. It has become routine for me to unwind with a chapter as soon as I get home from college and then another in the bath and then maybe another in bed; it pains me to put it down.

I swear that by reading the Harry Potter series, the coursework I have produced for college has improved. The way in which Harry, Ron and Hermione tackle their homework as soon as they get back to the common room has encouraged me to do the same, of course I don't live in a dormitory but the principle remains. I also feel real emotion towards each of the characters and even though it hasn't been mentioned explicitly, I know Ron and Hermione have got something going on, subtle though it may be.

Every night my dreams are somehow influenced by the magical world, either in a good way or a bad way but it's usually bad. For example, the night before last I dreamt that a rogue Hippogriff was trying to attack me - it somehow managed to get through the window of my bedroom (I was living at my parents house in the dream) and it really didn't look healthy, as if it had rabies or something similar.

The only thing I can fault about J.K. Rowling's creation is the constant re-iteration of certain scenes such as Privet Drive, the Gryffindor common room, the Divination classroom etc. However, I think this just adds to her genius as she does it less and less and the books progress, implying an element of maturing not only amongst all the characters but the book's audience itself. As a child, I read The Philosopher's Stone which I reread in later life and have grown up ready to take on the cement block that is The Order of the Phoenix. To be honest, I don't know what I'll do when I've finished reading the series, I'm worried I won't find a comparison and a Hogwarts-shaped hole will be left in my heart. Nevertheless, all good things must end if we are to truly appreciate them and J.K. Rowling, I salute you, I aspire to have talent like your and I want to have the power to make others share my imagination through their dreams.

Slop Music

2011-09-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am madly passionate about music but I am concerned about what is becoming of popular music, most worryingly of all the messages they send to their audiences. Music is everywhere - public spaces, within the privacy of the home, the internet, television, radio. There's no avoiding it and you'd probably encounter surprise if you weren't to come across any musical material. Therefore, as music is so unavoidable, people of all ages have access to its content including the young and impressionable.

From simply browsing on BBC Radio 1's top 40 chart I can see that right now Pixie Lott is right at the top with smash hit "All About Tonight". Try as I might, I find it extremely difficult not to slag off its content. It promotes reckless nights out on the town as the result of a girl being messed around by a guy for the last time. On the surface there's nothing wrong being "so over you" and it's good that you're taking those steps to get over him, the problem I have is that the song suggests you "grab someone if you're single, grab someone if you're not" which is obviously not okay. Instantly rebounding with someone you just met at a club is not good advice for someone who's had a hard time and is probably up for anything including risking their safety. On the note of safety, the song also ushers its listeners to "climb onto tables" simply because its all about tonight. Any person with common sense knows that after a few drinks, most likely in heels you can barely walk in never mind climb in, it is not advisable to clamber onto a predictably wet surface just to emphasise how over him you are. Such a stunt would either break your neck or at least get you kicked out of the club.

I'm not trying to target Pixie Lott specifically but the whole of modern pop and club culture in general. People may be unwilling to accept it but music subliminally affects us and influences our actions. Consequently, if our idea of good music is urging us to go out, get wasted and risk our safety then people are going to get hurt. Music is a public service and in my opinion its lyrics and musical content should reflect the atmosphere in a positive, non-lethal way.

Image courtesy of the Daily Mail

Treat 'em mean, keep em' keen?

2011-08-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

I've had a really hard time trying to see sense in the phrase, to me there is no logic behind it. The definition of which being that if you treat your partner in a non-romantic way, they will be drawn to your arrogance and "power". I am sorry but what girl out there doesn't want to be swept off their feet, I would have a few things to say to the pigs that invented the phrase.

I am in a relationship at the moment and I absolutely adore my partner, would do just about anything for him and I would like to think that I treated him thus - reminding him of my affections towards him. To deliberately do the opposite is not only deceitful but unkind and I don't understand how it would get a relationship anywhere. I've read guys that wouldn't buy women drinks in bars because if the girl's interested then she's interested, drink or no drink and yes I would agree with you on that but surely to offer the girl a drink is the more thoughtful and noble thing to do?

I'm not trying to drag morals back to the middle ages where it would be impolite not to put your jacket down on the wet ground just so your ladies tootsies wouldn't get wet. I'm just imploring men to look into their hearts and ask themselves, where has the gentlemen era gone? There are too many black and white movies out there reassuring us that there is a prince charming in even the smarmiest of men to not find the "age of the dickhead" concerning.

On the other hand, no one person in a relationship should be put on a pedestal and doted upon. That is unless you don't mind an one ego-inflating nightmare floating upon your horizon. Obviously, there should be equality between two people and that is the principle I'm fully supportive of. The problem I have (and I tried not to make this particularly gender-biased, I'm talking as a woman) is when men feel emasculated by offering attention, affection and frankly goodies and so just don't. In conclusion, I just wish that before people go out of their way to be inattentive on purpose towards their partner, they tried a little empathy. If someone loves you, surely you'd want them to show it?

His Girl Friday (1940)

I want hide away for a bit

2011-08-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy being on my own sometimes, especially when made acutely aware of how scary everything is. Just being able to hide under the duvet for a short while with a doughnut and a cup of tea whilst doing the gardening on Animal Crossing is just the ultimate luxury for me. I wouldn't let anyone in, I'd turn my phone off and lock the door, block the letter box and disconnect the aerial. Alienation is the most pleasant sensation when pretty much everything frightens you. From Thursday the 18th of August right up until Sunday the 28th, I'm going away, I'll only be at my house, but I might as well not exist during that period of time. Just me, my teddy bear and my tea!

Really poor picture of T.D. (Teddy) and I

Love amongst the youth

2010-09-03T04:33:00.001-07:00

My childhood, looking back completely revolved around getting boyfriends and fitting in; education, friends and family seemed petty in comparison. I dated my first boyfriend when I was only 5 years old! I remember getting married to him in the playground and I actually went out and bought a plastic ring to give to my new husband, it felt great to be part of this ritual as all my friends desperately wanted to marry after this also. Of course, eventually person’s involved would get bored and casually fling their marital status aside to start afresh with someone else.

That was at a time when I was really still in infancy but once I reached the age of 11 that’s when things got serious. My first boyfriend of secondary school only lasted one week but the events that occurred within that week changed who I was completely. I was very shy and I believe that this boy used this to his advantage. After meeting his mum and his sister and then after he met my family we went to my bedroom to talk and cuddle like innocent 11 year-olds do and I after just a few days found myself falling fast and I found myself doing things I wasn’t mentally or physically ready for. When school came around again I quickly found out second-hand that I was dumped and that everyone was talking about what had happened. I spent most of the school day in the toilets and when I could bear to leave them I just went home, missing a whole day of school over a stupid one-week relationship. He meant so much to me so quickly and this scenario had shaken me to the core.

This is the issue that needs to be addressed, should boys and girls have to learn from mistakes as serious as relationships at such an early age?
There is a boy I know who started going out with a girl at a very young age and fell head over heels for her and they were on and off for a very long time. Eventually she broke his heart and now in early adulthood he finds himself bitter and unable to let go of the tragic events of his past. In this case his mental health: his confidence and his self-esteem have been crushed because of what happened to him, could all of this been avoided? Why do people still in childhood fall in love and how?

Prelude

2010-07-08T04:42:00.000-07:00

I've launched my own review site of books, films, politics and whatever else i can come up with. The purpose of this is to enhance my writing and reviewing skills as this will aid in the success of the course I'm taking on Media Production at college. I'm hoping to become a journalist of some form but i haven't decided which specific area into which I want to "delve".

Signing off for now,

Nathalie.